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Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. Barack Obama 44th U.S. President. I didn't want to interrupt her. 10. Knowledge is like underwear. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. ", "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Funny Quotes If you love to laugh, YourDictionary’s assortment of funny quotes can make your day a bit brighter. This post may include affiliate links. Mark Twain. Socrates. But I repeat myself. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Dalai Lama "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." Oscar Wilde. It practically gallops. ", "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. ", "Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. First of all, we have short funny quotes about life and sayings, because short funny quotes about life and hilarious sayings are the ones that can easily be told and shared with friends anywhere. Famous Funny Quotes. ", [Putting his arms around British personality and food journalist Nigella Lawson] "My wife is going to kill me. Insanity. Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart…I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. “My mother always used … ", "I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. Free and Funny Seasonal Ecard: The forecast for today calls for boob sweat of epic proportions. Funny Life. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. A. Milne. ", "Insanity runs in my family. Money. I am a Democrat. - Groucho Marx One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. Hilarious Quotes. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ", "I find television very educating. You're only as good as your last haircut. I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. Here are 35 best funny quotes and sayings that will laugh at your face “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. In the gallery below is a hilarious collection of celebrities funny quotes … The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. ", "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Mahatma Gandhi Civil rights leader. The quotations below hit all the marks: they're both funny and inspirational, making us laugh while simultaneously providing insight into the human condition. 1. – Abraham Lincoln. ", "Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.". Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Inspired. Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Albert Einstein. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. You know, the birth of Santa?" We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. If you can find something meaningful to say about basic human emotions and foibles—vanity, self-importance, love, attraction, commercialism, and even lust—in a biting but funny way, your words are likely to stir emotions in your listeners or readers and be remembered. You will never get out of … Dave Barry. ", "Every man has his follies—and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. Oscar Wilde Writer. Quotes tagged as "funny" Showing 1-30 of 8,186. Looking for the best funny memes and quotes words. ", "Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Do not take life too seriously. Love and Attraction. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. 3. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. ... Television. ", "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. The forecast for today calls for boob sweat of epic proportions. Funny Quotes From Famous People Life and Success. Friedrich Nietzsche Philologist. "She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking to a happy and wonderful night—ah, life. Inspiration. Benjamin Franklin Founding Father of the United States. Do not take life too seriously. ", "I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. Funny quotations about work and the workplace. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. People think you mean it. – A. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch... 2. in Commerce, Accounting, and Finance, University of Mumbai. You look like a chrysanthemum. Inspire. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. Explore 1000 Humor Quotes by authors including Steven Wright, Erma Bombeck, and Charlie Chaplin at BrainyQuote. But I never believe me. “If girls always treated each other like we do when we’re drunk in the girl’s bathroom then the world would be a much happier place.”. Albert Einstein Theoretical Physicist. But so is thunder and lightning. “A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians. Me Club Join. Ebeneezer Scrooge. He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. I am not a member of any organized political party. See also: creativity quotes, famous quotes, attitude quotes. Perhaps it is their sparkling wit, casual demeanor, or caustic remarks that made them famously funny. ", "It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – John F. Kennedy. Short Quotes. ", "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. 1. Who said, "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? A smile, some laughter may even help them live longer. Top Authors. ", "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Any girl can be glamorous. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ", "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. We offer funny birthday quotes about aging, ones that are famous and ones that are inspirational but funny. Oh, except maybe from time to time. The Best Famous Quotes. From funny to completely delusional, the quotes will certainly make you feel better that you're not the one who said these things in public. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. I can't figure it out. Let’s get started with Frank Zappa’s funny music quotes. What am I doing right? Henry David Thoreau. I can't figure it out. I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. I love deadlines. 1. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember. — Frank Zappa “I want to do a musical movie. ", "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. I Love To LaughMake Me SmileLook At YouJust For YouBelly LaughsHaha FunnyFunny StuffFunny ShitFunny Things. Light travels faster than sound. “Just because the voices only talk to […] Aging, Happiness, and Health. “Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.”. If Trump is gone before I wake, I pray the lord the news ain’t fake! A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Simran Khurana is the Editor-in-Chief for ReachIvy, and a teacher and freelance writer and editor, who uses quotations in her pedagogy. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Inspiring. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. They say marriages are made in Heaven. Discover and share Funny Famous Quotes. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Funny quotes on pessimism “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist in Funny 1 Being sarcastic is nothing new, throughout history there are plenty of cases where sarcasm was the word and ever the most influential people were using it on occasion, here are 22 famous funny quotes from people you might heard of 1 : Robert Benchley – a … A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. — Napoleon Bonaparte, emperor of France #1 … Donald Trump. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. Bart Simpson. Funny quotes and sayings including famous, inspirational, motivational quotations. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Funny Quotes. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. The unexamined life is not worth living. ", "I lie to myself all the time. Scroll below to read the list! If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. Funny quotes – Random picks. 50 Funny Birthday Quotes Share these funny birthday quotes with the person celebrating their special day, may they bring a smile to their face! Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Don't be stupid, it … ", "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Yet, from time to time some of these funny celebrity quotes can be heard from famous people either if they loosen up a bit and make a mistake or lapsus, or simply by being what they really are and saying what they really mean. ", "No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. "My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Politics. Lies and Self-Deprecation. ", "I'd like to live like a poor man—only with lots of money. Inspirational. ", "Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. Here is a list of some funny, inspiring, and thought-provoking quotes that are about business—or that can be applied to the business world. Find Famous Quotes, Inspirational, Motivational, Friendship, Love, and many more quotes. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ", "He who can does—he who cannot, teaches. “You live, learn, and upgrade.”. And suppose you were a member of Congress. Bill Murray. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Why don't you get a haircut? Funny Quotes. Steven Wright. Like Evita, but with good music.” — Elton John Funny Political Quotes Group 3 Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. Our life is frittered away by detail… simplify, simplify. Funny Quotes about Life Next time a stranger talks to you when you’re alone, just look at them shocked and whisper, “You can see me?” Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account. And suppose you were a member of Congress. Albert Einstein. Only the mediocre are always at their best. ", "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 9. Funny quotes are great for bringing a bit of humor into our lives. ", "Reader, suppose you were an idiot. I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Fun. Mar 1, 2019 - Explore Andria's board "Funny Sales Quotes" on Pinterest. Just like everyone else. ", "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. Beer Quotes Drinking Stupid Quotes. 12. Smoking kills. Want to get relaxed and have some giggles, well i have collected some very funny and hilarious quotes on images, i am sure that will not only drop some giggles on you but will give you some intense laugh moments, so sit tight this is gonna get a lot funnier …. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. But you look like my wife, so that's OK! Albert Einstein. Groucho Marx. Funny Quotes. It is amazing how some people know when and how to be funny. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”. I can resist everything except temptation. ", "We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.". "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." I remember every elephant I've ever met. ", “My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.”, "To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Great people make great quotes, and these prominent authors have made our list of the best famous quotes of all time. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. I have a memory like an elephant. – Unknown. A Prayer! "Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. It always seems impossible until it’s done. Star, to President of the United States (on my first try). See more ideas about funny, sales quotes, sales humor. These funny quotes and sayings may have been coined by someone else, but their funny motivational quotes and witty words will make everyone laugh! Never take a solemn oath. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Mark Twain Author. Famous quotes by famous authors. Many of these quotes are from people you will probably recognize, and they will add some humor to your day. “To me ‘drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.”. So it is with the quotes from the famous people on this list. In Assets . A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 8. Or perhaps, it's the subjects they chose to comment upon. Paris Hilton. 11. Funny Quotes - BrainyQuote. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Go to table of contents. Nelson Mandela. “Legend wait for it dary” —Barney Simpson RELATED: 30 Iconic Samuel L. Jackson Quotes And Lines From His Most Famous Movies You will never get out of it alive. Insults. Miscellaneous. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. The quotes represented below are an eclectic mix of comedians, authors, playwrights, and even a well-known existential philosopher. Bwaaahahahaha. Funny Political Quotes and Classic One-Liners, Arm Yourself With Funny Sarcastic Quotes to Make an Everlasting Impact, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, Quotes on Funny Thoughts to Make You Smile, 30 Lip Smacking Food Quotes to Satiate Your Soul, Funny Valentine's Day Sayings to Woo Your Beloved, Funny Inspirational Quotes From Famous People, MBA in Human Resource Development and Management, Narsee Monjee Institution of Management Studies, B.S. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”.

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